One-liners

A collection of one-liners I liked a lot!

• Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch!
• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
• A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
• If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him that a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
• No one is paying attention to you until you make a mistake.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is reasearch.
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
• Why is abbreviated such a long word?
• Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosylabic'?
• War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
• Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy.
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it thoroughly.
• Insanity is hereditary; You get it from your kids.
• I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
• A meeting is an event where the minutes are kept, and the hours are lost.
• I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
• A fact is anything you can make someone else believe.
• A life? Cool! Where can I download one of those?!
• A lot of people mistake their imagination for their memory.
• Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it lets you look for it in more places.
• Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
• A person who can smile when something goes wrong is a person who has found someone to blame it on.
• Isn't it a bit un-nerving that doctors call what they do practice?
• Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
• Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
• If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
• Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself.
• Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
• Multitasking: Screwing up many things at once.
• History is a set of lies agreed upon by the Victor.